Sunday, March 22, 2009

"Story Problem"

PAM
You want to know the way to my heart? Chocolate. What can I say, I’m a Halloween and Valentine’s kinda gal. Dark or milk, no white. Once the chocolate’s gone, I’m gone. Which is too bad, because I’ve dated some really nice guys, some really great guys. I just lose interest. The excitement. The thrill. The energy. All gone. Once the chocolate goes, it all goes. I go. Once the chocolate goes I’m just going through the motions.

MARTY
I’m in love with a woman who’s nine inches taller than me. A girl can date a guy who’s nine inches taller than her, but a guy can’t date a girl who’s nine inches taller than him. That’s wrong. That’s injustice. That’s un-American. That’s why we have affirmative action.

NORA
I’ve never told anyone I’ve loved them. No one. Not even my mom. Not even when I was three. Sure, I’ve loved a lot of people, and I think I’ve even expressed that to them in different ways, but I’ve never said, to anyone, “I love you.” In fact, that may be the first time I’ve ever used those words in that order. “I love you.” Funny. They all sorta come out all at once like that, like it’s all one word. It sort of makes me feel like I am three years old again. “I love you.” “I love you I love you I love you.” Like baby talk. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Weird. Huh.

INGRID
I fell in love today. I didn’t want to, I’d been fighting it, but I knew it was going to happen sometime, sometime soon, I was going to cave. It happened today. We had lunch together and he was licking something out of his teeth, trying to do it real quick and sneaky so I wouldn’t notice. He licked something out of his teeth, and that was it. I was in love.

WALT
There she is. The girl of my dreams.

Not what I was expecting. I was expecting a brunette, and she’s a redhead. Her nose is kinda big, I always liked little noses. She wears glasses, also a surprise. Funny how that works out. But no doubt about it, that’s her all right. She’s got great teeth. I love that in a girl.

INGRID
Damn it. Damn it damn it damn it. Damn him for being so adorable.

WALT
Small, white. Great shape. Teeth can be very sexy.

INGRID
I don’t want to be in love. Love is a biochemical reaction to the way someone smells. Which is ridiculous. Ridiculous and gross and I don’t want it. Even worse, it’s unsustainable. It’s ridiculous and gross and unsustainable—and I don’t want my heart broken anymore.

PAM
I can’t believe you said that.

A.J.
Yeah, me neither.

Well, I’d better get to Albertson’s before they close.

PAM
When do they close?

A.J.
I don’t know.

PAM
I think you’re OK. It’s, what, nine o’ clock? I think you’ll be OK.

A.J.
Yeah, probably. I just want to make sure I’ve got milk for my cereal in the morning.

PAM
Right, well, I’m pretty sure you can go later. Grocery stores stay open pretty late.

A.J.
OK…

PAM
Look, if they’re already closed let me know, I’ve got an unopened gallon of milk, you can have it.

A.J.
What kind is it?

PAM
Two percent.

A.J.
All right…

You hot? I’m hot. It’s hot in here.

PAM
No.

A.J.
Oh.

PAM
So.

Do you want to talk about that?

A.J.
What?

PAM
How you just told me you loved me.

A.J.
Oh. That. No.

PAM
Fair enough.

A.J.
Sorry.

PAM
No. It’s fine.

A.J.
OK.

PAM
OK.

A.J.
Well.

I better get that milk.

PAM
Yeah. OK.

A.J.
See ya.

PAM
See ya.

INGRID
Falling in love is what they call it because it feels like you’re falling, with your stomach, your heart, your small intestine feeling like they’re up in the top of your torso trying to break through your lungs and fly up and pop out of your mouth onto the floor.

PAM
It’s an addiction. You betcha. You bet I’m addicted.

NORA
Like a drug. Overdose on love.

PAM
And chocolate.

INGRID
I am sure he wouldn’t date me if my small intestine popped onto the floor.

MARTY
Hi, is Nora there? Oh she’s not? Oh this is her boyfriend? Oh hello, this is a friend of Nora’s. Well no. No. No, not really a friend. A sort of acquaintance, really. Oh. Well not even really an acquaintance. No. No. No. I mean, we sort of ran into each other once. On the bus. Once. Well she didn’t give me her number. No. She didn’t, no. Actually, no. I found it. Yes. I found it. Well I found it in the phone book. Under her name. In the phone book. Yes. Alphabetically. No I didn’t. I don’t. No, I don’t know her. No, I don’t. I didn’t. I never said that. Did I say that? I didn’t say that. I didn’t mean to say that. No, I don’t know her. I’m sorry, I’m not a stalker, I don’t know her, I must have the wrong number.

He’s probably very tall.

NORA
Where are the scissors?

A.J.
I have beaten up 63 men in my life. 22 men have beaten up me. Of those 22, 19 were taller than me. Based on this information, if I got in a fight with a man who was shorter than me, how likely is it that I would beat him up?

The answer is 95.23%.

NORA
Who was that?

A.J.
Just some dumb-bum jerkwad.

PAM
Also, two-timing.

NORA
I once said “I lung you.” That was very close. I said that to A.J. on our half-anniversary. If people know their half-birthdays they should know their half-anniversaries. This is my philosophy. I celebrate them. A.J. doesn’t, but I do. He doesn’t know why he’s getting a present and being taken out to dinner and treated so nice, he just thinks it’s any old day, when really it’s our half-anniversary. It makes it more exciting when it’s a secret. But it makes a lot more sense to do something on a half-anniversary than a half-birthday. I don’t remember the day I was born, but I do remember the day we started going out.

WALT
Walt, Ingrid, A.J., Marty, Nora, and Pam are friends. Each of them is in love with someone else, and one of them is in love with no one. Pam does not love Ingrid. Nora loves A.J. If A.J. is in love with Pam, but dating Nora, and if Marty is in love with Nora, who does Walt love?

INGRID
Not enough information.

MARTY
You are…?

NORA
Nora.

MARTY
Marty.

NORA
Cool.

MARTY
Cool.

Yeah. I mean, cool.

NORA
Yeah.

OK I better go.

INGRID
There is nothing more adorable than watching the man you secretly love get rejected.

WALT
If she doesn’t love me I will cry for ninety-six years, and then I will be OK.

PAM
Since I was hired full-time at Lawson Lawson Smithy Poindexter Zapfino & Lawson I have had a very fine salary. I have had a very fine salary since I was hired full-time at Lawson Lawson Smithy Poindexter Zapfino & Lawson. And now I can buy my own chocolate, whenever I want, which is all of the time. I need no one. I am an island unto myself, and here in my gluttonous palace on the sea I shall grow fat and aged.

MARTY
She’s very tall.

NORA
He’s very miniature.

MARTY
And lovely.

NORA
I love A.J., but I can only say that in an aside to the audience.

A.J.
I love Pam, but I am dating Nora, who once insisted that I wear only denim.

INGRID
I love his teeth, when he picks things from them.

WALT
I love her teeth, when she picks things from them and when she does not pick thing from them, always, and forever.

A.J.
I could probably beat up the majority of the people in this room.

INGRID
Perhaps I will marry him when he sees that I am small like he, and we shall produce smallish offspring and live happily ever after in a low-ceilinged dwelling.

MARTY
But I cannot see the forest for the trees.

WALT
And I cannot see the trees for her teeth.

NORA
I cannot see the trees for the forest.

PAM
I can see neither the forest nor the trees, for I am underground on my island of chocolate, where everything is underground, so I can only see roots, from which I may, if I choose, imply a forest.

A.J.
I see what I want, yo.

NORA
He makes my heart feel gooey.

INGRID
Gross.

WALT
If I love Ingrid.

INGRID
And we all love someone else.

PAM
And I love no one.

MARTY
And here’s another fine mess.

INGRID
But isn’t he adorable?

NORA
I love you.

A.J.
Oh.

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